In defence of the Football fan...

OK, let's get this out of the way right now. Some time during the next four weeks - probably during the next two days in all probability - you will hear the following whining moan coming from certain sections of society:

"Every time you turn on the TV these days it's 'football, football, football'. I'm sick of it..."

Far be it for me to generalise, but more often than not it's women who utter the above statement. Not all women, of course, but quite a few. And what is their preferred choice of television programming? Soap operas. Some like to watch EastEnders, some like to watch Emmerdale and some like to watch Coronation Street. Oh and some poor souls like to watch all three, but they're beyond salvation, quite frankly.

So just how true is it - can it really be the case that Football is always on the telly, or at least more so than the soaps? In an attempt to clear the name of us Football fans, I've spent literally minutes trying to work out how much time is devoted to both the World Cup and to soap operas.

First of all, let's deal with the World Cup. It happens every four years, and as ever, the bulk of the matches are being shown live on ITV1 and BBC1. According to my calculations, the total amount of time that both channels will spend showing live matches is somewhere in the region of 140 hours.

And now, let's pick one of the three main soaps at random. Let's see... ummm... how about EastEnders. It's on four times a week for half an hour at a time, so that makes 2 hours per week. Or to put it another way, 104 hours per year. But the World Cup only happens once every FOUR years, so let's apply the same time period to Eastenders... 416 hours. Yes folks, over a four-year period, the World Cup accounts for 140 hours of TV and Eastenders accounts for 416.

But what's that, I hear you cry - "I watch Coronation Street"?? Well that gets shown five times a week in half-hour instalments, so over a four-year period that equates to 520 hours of primetime Northern drudgery.

And hey, let's not leave out Emmerdale. Everyone's favourite slice of life from the hills and dales of Yorkshire [yawn] gets shown six times a week, so in between World Cups you can expect to cram in around 625 hours worth, and not a cowpat in sight, mark you.

So have I made all that perfectly clear for you? Any discerning voices, please take note once and for all: the amount of time devoted to live World Cup matches is only a fraction of that spent showing EastEnders, Emmerdale or Coronation Street.

Funny that - no-one ever complains that there are too many soaps on TV...

Place your bets

With the World Cup only two days away, the more financially ambitious amongst you may have already been tempted to have a flutter while the competition's on. Yet for those of you that think the only available options are to bet a couple of quid on Brazil winning outright or Michael Owen being top scorer, then you're very much mistaken.

A cursory look around the web brings forth all manner of different things to bet on during the World Cup, from the ubiquitous to the frankly mind-boggling.

As well as the usual bets on individual match results and group winners, there's also, as ever, a list of top goalscorers to choose from, but these days the breakdown of options is more extensive than ever before.

You can bet on the top goalscorer for Australia, the Ivory Coast or any other country for that matter. You can also bet on the highest scorer that plays his club football in the Premiership, Serie A or La Liga. And if you want to get really specific, try betting on the highest scoring Liverpool, Chelsea or Man United player.

But that's all a bit tame by 21st Century standards, to be honest. You can approach this whole gambling business from a somewhat different and even negative angle in 2006. PaddyPower and BetFred are offering you the chance to stake some reddies on which team will pick up the most cards during the tournament (Argentina being the favourites so far at 13/2), while SkyBet offer a selection of familiar names to choose from in the category 'First Player Cautioned For Diving'. You'll be wanting Didier Drogba at 8/1, if I'm not mistaken...

In fact when it comes to strange and ludicrous wagers, SkyBet really have lost the plot in a big way. They're offering odds of 33/1 on England being booted out of the World Cup due to rioting fans and 25/1 on Jens Lehman of Germany saving a penalty against England (huh, yeah, right...)

But the best bet they offer of all is for the amount of streakers you'll see during the entire competition. For a £5 bet, you'll win £75 if four of them turn up, but to be honest your winnings will be the last of your concerns at the time. You'll be too busy trying to remember how to instantly record programmes on your Sky+ box.

The Observers Book of The World Cup

Written by Smart

After watching a wealth of programmes on TV, the stack of DVD's free with cereal packets and potatoes, and after reading all World Cup magazines and guides that you get free with the weekend newspapers (by the way, I dont get out much...) I have made a few observations ...

1. The depth of the goal nets gets deeper with every tournament.
In the days of black and white, the goals were about 3 foot deep and rumours are the nets for Germany 2006 will have been borrowed from the fishing village of Bremenhaven...

2. Goalies used to roll around after conceding a goal.
It took the officials years to find Lee Harvey Oswald amongst the crowd.

3. Bald men score some great goals.
Archie Gemill... Bobby Charlton... Yordan Letchkov...

4. Older kits had baggy shirts and tight shorts.
Most modern kits have tight shirts and baggy shorts.

5. You can see f**k all when they chuck 'ticker-tape' about.
The 1978 World Cup Final was responsible for over 2,000 deaths worldwide. This is because some of the viewing millions fell off the roofs of their homes trying to adjust the TV aerial to remove the 'snow' and interference from picture.

Feel free to add to the list if you have noticed anymore.

News Round-Up

Just three days to go now and if you thought you were starting to feel the tension build, spare a thought for Ilija Petkovic, say our Eastern Europe correspondents Portman and Emma.

Following the result of a recent referendum for independence, the Serbia & Montenegro coach is apprehensively gearing up to make a momentus decision: will he manage Serbia, Montenegro or both in the World Cup Finals?

Research shows that no man has ever coached two countries on the world stage before, but since Montenegro's decision to go it alone and opt for self-rule, Petkovic could find himself making history as the first multi-team coach at the World Cup. We wish him well.

Elsewhere, the England team have been training in their new Umbro training kit, and Portman and Emma can exclusively reveal that the motif adopted by the manufacturers is in fact based on two worms making love. "The design reflects the national team's harmonious co-existence with nature and the need to show love to one another" said an Umbro spokesperson. Kind of.



And so to yesterday where the England team boarded their specially chartered British Airways jet to take them to their base camp in Germany. The plane was renamed 'Pride of the Nation' (replacing the old name 'Victory in Japan / Korea') and even the headrests inside featured messages sent in from England fans for each of the players. Wayne Rooney's headrest had the message "We hope your toe heals up soon", David Beckham's said "Score a hat-trick for all the fans back home!" and Theo Walcott's headrest showed the words "I haven't the foggiest idea who you are, but can you get me Steven Gerrard's autograph, please?"

More news when we get it...