There are some players in the game who attract the contempt of fans all over the country. There are some who find themselves on the wrong end of the fans' ridicule. And then there are some players who are frankly so dumb that they defy any such categorisation. These are the players we'll be saluting in the Some People Are On The Pitch Dumb Footballer of the Year Award.
The first nomination is for Jens Lehman of Arsenal and Germany.
He is deserving of his place on the shortlist following the Arsenal v Wigan Athletic match on Sunday 11th February 2007. Here's why:
Wigan led the match from the 35th minute following a goal by Denny Landzaat and sensing a chance to hold on for a rare away victory at the Emirates, they set about frustrating their hosts by wasting a bit of time here or there. Chief culprit for the Latics was Chris Kirkland, their goalkeeper. He was duly booked by the referee for his trouble.
As the match progressed, Arsenal got more and more desperate for an equalizer and ever more wound up by the liberal wastage of time by Wigan. Finally, Arsene Wenger's side drew level in the 81st minute after a Fitz Hall own goal. Thierry Henry couldn't help but rub salt in the wound for Kirkland with a quick word in his ear as he returned the ball to the centre spot but there was more to come for Arsenal.
Four minutes later, Tomas Rosicky gave his side a 2-1 lead and with five minutes of normal time remaining, Arsenal were feeling like justice had finally been done. To ram home the point, Jens Lehman stepped into the fray to give Wigan a taste of their own medicine now they had their noses in front.
As the ball went off the pitch behind his goal, Lehman was handed the ball by one of the ball-boys. In an effort to deliberately waste some time for his own team, he made a weak attempt to throw the ball back onto the pitch which, unsurprisingly, resulted in the ball bouncing back to him via a nearby billboard.
He'd succeeded. By the time he'd returned to the pitch with the ball, the Wigan players had already pointed out the offence to the referee and his yellow card was being raised into Lehman's line of vision. It seemed fair to the rest of us that if Kirkland had been booked for timewasting, so should Jens Lehman.
Lehman himself might have even agreed, yet he'd overlooked one thing. Lehman had already been booked four times this season, so this fifth booking meant he'd be banned from playing in Arsenal's next game.
Stupidity out of immaturity, you might think, until you learn that Arsenal's next match is the Carling Cup Final against Chelsea. Jens Lehmann had taken himself out of the running for a place in a prestige Cup Final by acting like an impetuous schoolboy. That's Jens Lehman, 37-year-old goalkeeper of Arsenal, known to many as 'Super Jens' although, we suspect, not as many as before the Wigan match.
So there you have it - our first nomination for Dumb Footballer of the Year and it has to be said it may take some doing to beat that opening gambit, but rest assured there will be more on the way soon. Watch this space...
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Excuses, excuses...
Written by Smart
Under Sven Goran Eriksson's reign as England manager, we were reminded by players, managers, media and neighbours that "This is the best England squad since '66" and therefore our best chance of bringing a trophy home.
Optimism was somewhat high and justifiably so with the likes of Terry, Ferdinand, Gerrard, Lampard, Owen and Rooney in the squad. Of course, we all know the outcome of recent tournaments.
So imagine my surprise when reading today’s papers, with two articles catching my eye.
First of all, we have players "talking the talk" but when it comes to the important thing - doing it on the pitch - it's a different story. On the back of a fourth consecutive game without a win under Steve McLaren, Steven Gerrard says the players must improve and give the fans and manager the performance they rightly deserve.
This is the same rallying call that has been issued for the past 18 months or so and not just from Gerrard. We've had everyone saying it. John Terry, David Beckham, Rio Ferdinand, Cashley Cole, Gary Neville, Frank Lampard to name just a few.
Strange how most of the above want you to read their books about their footballing exploits, yet the next time you hear from them it's an admission of under-performance. "I'm shite. Buy my book". No wonder they didn’t sell.
To be honest, I am sick of it, and have hardly watched an England game since McLaren's first. Wednesday night was no exception. In a choice between Crouch up front with Dyer and Wright-Phillips behind, or 'Dragon's Den' on the next channel, I was off to the Den (and I don't mean Millwall). In fact if it were a choice between England and sticking pins in my testicles, I'd be reaching for the pins.
I said after the World Cup that I was 'Sven-ed Out' meaning the disappoint of Sven’s reign has put me off England for a while. I think I am coming to the conclusion that I am not 'Sven-ed Out', but probably 'Gerrard-ed Out' or 'Lampard-ed Out' or... you get the picture.
The other article that I had to laugh at was a comment by Middlesbrough Chairman Steve Gibson, who was of course Steve McLaren's former boss. His claim is that the Premiership and its chairmen aren't helping McLaren's job by employing foreign coaches and players.
So we have gone from having the best England since '66 with the likes of Terry, Ferdinand, Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney (to name a few) in the squad, to being overloaded with Johnny Foreigners blighting our national squad, which contains the likes of Terry, Ferdinand, Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney. To name a few.
Give me 'Dragon's Den' anytime...
Under Sven Goran Eriksson's reign as England manager, we were reminded by players, managers, media and neighbours that "This is the best England squad since '66" and therefore our best chance of bringing a trophy home.
Optimism was somewhat high and justifiably so with the likes of Terry, Ferdinand, Gerrard, Lampard, Owen and Rooney in the squad. Of course, we all know the outcome of recent tournaments.
So imagine my surprise when reading today’s papers, with two articles catching my eye.
First of all, we have players "talking the talk" but when it comes to the important thing - doing it on the pitch - it's a different story. On the back of a fourth consecutive game without a win under Steve McLaren, Steven Gerrard says the players must improve and give the fans and manager the performance they rightly deserve.
This is the same rallying call that has been issued for the past 18 months or so and not just from Gerrard. We've had everyone saying it. John Terry, David Beckham, Rio Ferdinand, Cashley Cole, Gary Neville, Frank Lampard to name just a few.
Strange how most of the above want you to read their books about their footballing exploits, yet the next time you hear from them it's an admission of under-performance. "I'm shite. Buy my book". No wonder they didn’t sell.
To be honest, I am sick of it, and have hardly watched an England game since McLaren's first. Wednesday night was no exception. In a choice between Crouch up front with Dyer and Wright-Phillips behind, or 'Dragon's Den' on the next channel, I was off to the Den (and I don't mean Millwall). In fact if it were a choice between England and sticking pins in my testicles, I'd be reaching for the pins.
I said after the World Cup that I was 'Sven-ed Out' meaning the disappoint of Sven’s reign has put me off England for a while. I think I am coming to the conclusion that I am not 'Sven-ed Out', but probably 'Gerrard-ed Out' or 'Lampard-ed Out' or... you get the picture.
The other article that I had to laugh at was a comment by Middlesbrough Chairman Steve Gibson, who was of course Steve McLaren's former boss. His claim is that the Premiership and its chairmen aren't helping McLaren's job by employing foreign coaches and players.
So we have gone from having the best England since '66 with the likes of Terry, Ferdinand, Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney (to name a few) in the squad, to being overloaded with Johnny Foreigners blighting our national squad, which contains the likes of Terry, Ferdinand, Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney. To name a few.
Give me 'Dragon's Den' anytime...
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The best £26.50 I ever spent...
So there I was sitting in the bar of the Broadway Theatre, Barking, sipping on my bottle of alcohol-free beer when my mobile phone vibrates. It’s a text message from Smart saying he’s just stopped off at KFC for a bite to eat and would I like to join him. The answer, sadly, was no. I’d only just arrived five minutes before and was in no rush to step back outside into the frosty night air now I’d begun feeling warm again.
The reason for my being at the theatre in the first place (and Smart, eventually) was to see a show called ‘An Evening With Jimmy Greaves’. It’s not often someone so famous passes through our neck of the woods, and as he used to play for the teams we both support, it seemed only natural that we should go along to see what the show was like.
Much as I hold the former Tottenham, Chelsea and England star in high esteem, I can honestly say I wasn’t hugely fussed about getting tickets for the show. Fortunately for myself and you, the readers, Smart reminded me of my journalistic duties to keep you informed of what this evening of entertainment was going to be like.
Anyway, back to the theatre. While supping on my bottle of Becks’ finest, I caught sight of the tables that had been set up in the lobby where memorabilia and souvenirs were being sold. I sauntered over to peruse the modest array of items laid out for us punters to purchase, and there, predictably, were some replica Tottenham shirts, some books written and signed by Jimmy Greaves and any number of other small items.
What caught my eye, however, was a yellow replica Brazil shirt being displayed on a mannequin torso. It was signed by Pele, and below it was a card offering people the chance to win it in the raffle being held later in the evening.
Any football fan over the age of nine would have been tempted as I was to buy a ticket, so I bought seven. Well it was churlish not to – if you bought seven tickets for £10, you also got a picture card signed by Jimmy Greaves. It’s what we in the trade call a win-win situation.
So it was that I returned to my seat, raffle tickets and card in hand, to wait for Smart’s arrival which was fortunately not long in coming. Having welcomed him into the building, I ushered him in the direction of the bar where to my distinct pleasure he bought me another drink. Good bloke, Smart. I won’t hear a bad word said against him.
It was perhaps unsurprising that when we sat down for a chat, he too spotted the souvenirs being sold in the lobby and decided to go off and investigate for himself and less surprising still that he had also bought seven tickets for £10 with an eye to winning that signed Pele shirt.
An hour later and we had taken our seats in the main hall, listening as we were to Jimmy Greaves regaling us with tales from his footballing career. It was all very amusing as you’d expect being the funny half of that well known double act with Ian St. John, and if truth be known, he spent much of the night telling many a corny gag rather than talking about football.
No matter. It was actually a pleasure just being in the same room as him, and even his corny gags were rather amusing. There was the one about his agent telling him that he had to do a show for the British Paranoids Association and that at that moment, the chairman of said Association rang up on the phone. “We were just talking about you” Greaves responded before putting the phone down abruptly…
To help out Greavsie during this night of badinage and anecdotery was another legendary name from the heyday of English football. Actually on second thoughts, perhaps ‘legendary’ isn’t the right word to use there. ‘Notorious’ is perhaps more appropriate when talking about Chelsea hard-man Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris, especially given his pride in referring to the many career-threatening tackles he inflicted on other players.
Despite retaining the persona of a man who played football like a grim reaper for anyone who dared get the ball past him, Harris was remarkably humorous while telling his football stories and though he lacks the depth of personality Jimmy Greaves does, he was just as worthy of a place on the billing when all was said and done.
The second half of the show was largely devoted to a ‘question and answer’ session. This was the chance for any member of the audience to tap into the mind of the two men on stage, something that can be both interesting and unfulfilling in equal measures. This was never better illustrated than when Greaves failed to answer the question “What was the happiest day of your life and why.” Not only did he not have an answer to it, but the man posing the question had done exactly that with the same outcome on a radio phone-in a few days before.
At the other end of the scale, the question “what was the most difficult team you’ve ever played against” brought about the answer “Bolton.” He wasn’t joking. Greaves explained that the Bolton side of the late-50’s / early-60’s barely changed from year-to-year and featured ex-coal miners that were grateful for the chance to earn a better living elsewhere. It was a salient point and one worth referring to in this age of £100,000-a-week salaries for the best players.
The evening closed with the raffle and the chance to win the aforementioned Brazil shirt signed by arguably the greatest player that ever lived - Pele. Smart and I got out our tickets and waited for Jimmy Greaves to plunge his hand into the bag of duplicates he held on stage.
I won’t insult you with an elaborate description of what happened next. The winning number he pulled out was 493, and I was holding it in my hand. I couldn’t quite believe it. My brain wouldn’t accept that I, of all the people in that theatre, was the winner. I’d only ever won one competition before, and that was twenty-six years ago at the age of nine in my local newspaper, so how could this have happened?
Whatever the answer, it had happened, and I was being called up on stage to receive my prize. Half an hour and several hundred steps later, there I was shaking the hand of Jimmy Greaves himself in front of a gathered crowd of about two hundred people. What a moment. He even invited me to stand right in the middle of the stage so that everyone could see me (albeit so that they could identify me in the car park afterwards for a good kicking in, but you can’t have everything…)
I returned to my seat brimming with nervous excitement, still not fully at one with what had just happened. It was all very surreal yet utterly amazing. I was now the proud owner of a football shirt signed by Pele – something I could only have dreamed of as a kid. And I know there are probably hundreds of people around the world that can say they own something similar, but it’s still a club I’m proud to be a brand new member of.
I drove Smart home that night and we talked about the unlikely events that had happened earlier. It almost never happened. I almost visited him in KFC at the time when I bought my raffle tickets. I almost declined his offer to go to the show in the first place. I almost left it too late to get tickets for the show. Luckily for me, luck was on my side that night and I have Smart to thank for that.
If only he’d persuaded me to buy a lottery ticket as well…
The reason for my being at the theatre in the first place (and Smart, eventually) was to see a show called ‘An Evening With Jimmy Greaves’. It’s not often someone so famous passes through our neck of the woods, and as he used to play for the teams we both support, it seemed only natural that we should go along to see what the show was like.
Much as I hold the former Tottenham, Chelsea and England star in high esteem, I can honestly say I wasn’t hugely fussed about getting tickets for the show. Fortunately for myself and you, the readers, Smart reminded me of my journalistic duties to keep you informed of what this evening of entertainment was going to be like.
Anyway, back to the theatre. While supping on my bottle of Becks’ finest, I caught sight of the tables that had been set up in the lobby where memorabilia and souvenirs were being sold. I sauntered over to peruse the modest array of items laid out for us punters to purchase, and there, predictably, were some replica Tottenham shirts, some books written and signed by Jimmy Greaves and any number of other small items.
What caught my eye, however, was a yellow replica Brazil shirt being displayed on a mannequin torso. It was signed by Pele, and below it was a card offering people the chance to win it in the raffle being held later in the evening.
Any football fan over the age of nine would have been tempted as I was to buy a ticket, so I bought seven. Well it was churlish not to – if you bought seven tickets for £10, you also got a picture card signed by Jimmy Greaves. It’s what we in the trade call a win-win situation.
So it was that I returned to my seat, raffle tickets and card in hand, to wait for Smart’s arrival which was fortunately not long in coming. Having welcomed him into the building, I ushered him in the direction of the bar where to my distinct pleasure he bought me another drink. Good bloke, Smart. I won’t hear a bad word said against him.
It was perhaps unsurprising that when we sat down for a chat, he too spotted the souvenirs being sold in the lobby and decided to go off and investigate for himself and less surprising still that he had also bought seven tickets for £10 with an eye to winning that signed Pele shirt.
An hour later and we had taken our seats in the main hall, listening as we were to Jimmy Greaves regaling us with tales from his footballing career. It was all very amusing as you’d expect being the funny half of that well known double act with Ian St. John, and if truth be known, he spent much of the night telling many a corny gag rather than talking about football.
No matter. It was actually a pleasure just being in the same room as him, and even his corny gags were rather amusing. There was the one about his agent telling him that he had to do a show for the British Paranoids Association and that at that moment, the chairman of said Association rang up on the phone. “We were just talking about you” Greaves responded before putting the phone down abruptly…
To help out Greavsie during this night of badinage and anecdotery was another legendary name from the heyday of English football. Actually on second thoughts, perhaps ‘legendary’ isn’t the right word to use there. ‘Notorious’ is perhaps more appropriate when talking about Chelsea hard-man Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris, especially given his pride in referring to the many career-threatening tackles he inflicted on other players.
Despite retaining the persona of a man who played football like a grim reaper for anyone who dared get the ball past him, Harris was remarkably humorous while telling his football stories and though he lacks the depth of personality Jimmy Greaves does, he was just as worthy of a place on the billing when all was said and done.
The second half of the show was largely devoted to a ‘question and answer’ session. This was the chance for any member of the audience to tap into the mind of the two men on stage, something that can be both interesting and unfulfilling in equal measures. This was never better illustrated than when Greaves failed to answer the question “What was the happiest day of your life and why.” Not only did he not have an answer to it, but the man posing the question had done exactly that with the same outcome on a radio phone-in a few days before.
At the other end of the scale, the question “what was the most difficult team you’ve ever played against” brought about the answer “Bolton.” He wasn’t joking. Greaves explained that the Bolton side of the late-50’s / early-60’s barely changed from year-to-year and featured ex-coal miners that were grateful for the chance to earn a better living elsewhere. It was a salient point and one worth referring to in this age of £100,000-a-week salaries for the best players.
The evening closed with the raffle and the chance to win the aforementioned Brazil shirt signed by arguably the greatest player that ever lived - Pele. Smart and I got out our tickets and waited for Jimmy Greaves to plunge his hand into the bag of duplicates he held on stage.
I won’t insult you with an elaborate description of what happened next. The winning number he pulled out was 493, and I was holding it in my hand. I couldn’t quite believe it. My brain wouldn’t accept that I, of all the people in that theatre, was the winner. I’d only ever won one competition before, and that was twenty-six years ago at the age of nine in my local newspaper, so how could this have happened?
Whatever the answer, it had happened, and I was being called up on stage to receive my prize. Half an hour and several hundred steps later, there I was shaking the hand of Jimmy Greaves himself in front of a gathered crowd of about two hundred people. What a moment. He even invited me to stand right in the middle of the stage so that everyone could see me (albeit so that they could identify me in the car park afterwards for a good kicking in, but you can’t have everything…)
I returned to my seat brimming with nervous excitement, still not fully at one with what had just happened. It was all very surreal yet utterly amazing. I was now the proud owner of a football shirt signed by Pele – something I could only have dreamed of as a kid. And I know there are probably hundreds of people around the world that can say they own something similar, but it’s still a club I’m proud to be a brand new member of.
I drove Smart home that night and we talked about the unlikely events that had happened earlier. It almost never happened. I almost visited him in KFC at the time when I bought my raffle tickets. I almost declined his offer to go to the show in the first place. I almost left it too late to get tickets for the show. Luckily for me, luck was on my side that night and I have Smart to thank for that.
If only he’d persuaded me to buy a lottery ticket as well…
Monday, February 05, 2007
Video Nasty
A postscript to the article of November 22nd 2006. Back then, we spoke of the unending criticism of referees and the dissatisfaction that club managers have of their performances. One of the sub-topics that emanated from that discussion was the use of video replays and how they could be used to assist or even (dare we say it) replace the officials.
It's been used in Rugby and Cricket matches the world over for some time and appears to work well in a number of situations, so why not Football?
The answer, perhaps, lies in an incident that occurred during the England v Scotland Six Nations match at Twickenham a couple of days ago. Jonny Wilkinson, back in the side for the first time since his heroics helped win the 2003 Rugby World Cup Final, was having a wonderful game, kicking point after point to put Scotland under early pressure.
To top off a wonderful performance, Wilkinson received the ball and began a long speedy run down the wing towards the corner of the pitch. His moment of glory looked secure as he dived near to the corner flag to plant the ball over the line for a try when a member of the Scottish team dived across to bundle him out of play.
The ball had certainly been put down over the touchline, but had Wilkinson strayed over the sideline first? There was nothing else for it - the video judge had to be called into action to look at the replay and make a decision on the referee's behalf.
The verdict? Try to England. Major celebrations and hysterics ensued in the English section of the crowd, not to mention a healthy slapping of Jonny Wilkinson's back by his team-mates to acknowledge such a fine try.
The thing is, it wasn't a try at all. Despite having clear video footage showing Wilkinson with one foot in contact with the ground on the wrong side of the line when the ball was put down, the Irish video judge still managed to make the wrong decision. It should never have been given, and frankly there was no excuse for making such a bad error of judgement.
All of which goes to show that even the use of video replays to help referees isn't perfect. Perhaps in a game where the human being is imperative to its very existence, surely we can allow for a little human error once in a while?
It's been used in Rugby and Cricket matches the world over for some time and appears to work well in a number of situations, so why not Football?
The answer, perhaps, lies in an incident that occurred during the England v Scotland Six Nations match at Twickenham a couple of days ago. Jonny Wilkinson, back in the side for the first time since his heroics helped win the 2003 Rugby World Cup Final, was having a wonderful game, kicking point after point to put Scotland under early pressure.
To top off a wonderful performance, Wilkinson received the ball and began a long speedy run down the wing towards the corner of the pitch. His moment of glory looked secure as he dived near to the corner flag to plant the ball over the line for a try when a member of the Scottish team dived across to bundle him out of play.
The ball had certainly been put down over the touchline, but had Wilkinson strayed over the sideline first? There was nothing else for it - the video judge had to be called into action to look at the replay and make a decision on the referee's behalf.
The verdict? Try to England. Major celebrations and hysterics ensued in the English section of the crowd, not to mention a healthy slapping of Jonny Wilkinson's back by his team-mates to acknowledge such a fine try.
The thing is, it wasn't a try at all. Despite having clear video footage showing Wilkinson with one foot in contact with the ground on the wrong side of the line when the ball was put down, the Irish video judge still managed to make the wrong decision. It should never have been given, and frankly there was no excuse for making such a bad error of judgement.
All of which goes to show that even the use of video replays to help referees isn't perfect. Perhaps in a game where the human being is imperative to its very existence, surely we can allow for a little human error once in a while?
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